Life consists of roles, there is man as the worker, what one does for a living, there is the free time hobbyist; gardening, surfing, swimming, cooking, working in the garage whatever gives personal satisfaction, there is the lover and then there is fatherhood. Unlike the other roles this is one that is adopted without any clear picture of how to perform it. Fatherhood is about guidance, it is about training the young, preparing then for the world, it is also about being a role model, but it cannot be organized, it develops and changes as the children age.
In the early years, Dad is more a play friend, he builds Legos, throws balls, answers questions, he is there, but unlike a Mother, his role to a young child is a bit obscure. As the child grows he learns that Dad does things he makes money, takes care of things, and slowly boys realize they want to be like the big guy. In my oldest son I see reflections of myself, he is outgoing, willing to take risks, can be aloof, has a short fuse with little things that annoy, he has charm, girls like him, he also has size 11 and half shoes which can be a joy or a terror depending on who the love of his life is. I have realized for years that my respect, my caring for him is the most important thing in his life. When problems with the world arise, it is to Dad he goes for advice. This reflection on fatherhood created a dilemma for a friend and her 3 boys. One was mine the other two were someone elses. He was their father and that special father son, me and mini me relationship created a problem. One of the things I have noted over the years and one of the reasons my son respects me is that his friends thinks his Dad is cool, he knows about things, eclectic music groups like Joy Division, the forerunner of Nivana and many other alternative rock groups, he not only knows them he has their original 7 inch singles, he reads comic books, likes action movies, plays soccer and he used to surf. This Dad travels a lot, he dresses casually, he comes from a different country, he is a little odd, and he finds it easy to talk and have conversations with them, he is easy going, knows what going on but doesn't let on. In other words he is the Dad they wished they had. With my girls a similar liking happens in their friends, it is tied around my accent, and how unlike I am other Dads, a sort of silliness and aloofness that appeals to their friends, but makes them like me, and tell my girls he is neat, cool whatever. I know because my girls tell me.
With my friend's boys I saw myself slipping into this situation, one lined with problems. One of the main roles of Dad is to explain to their son's the world, why were swords so big in the old days, why they worn chain mail, why this war started. This Dad also has the benefit of knowing what happens in the world in a very real way, why did the financial markets collapse, why did Congress give all that money to those bankers, why do we want to go to war with Iran. Some of these will produce real conflict with the views and attitudes their real Dad. I have a respect for Alternative Medicine, but as a trained scientist I also have immense respect for Modern Medicine, I believe in vaccination, medicines to help cure diseases, alternative medicine for me is a frame of mind, a reference to where drugs came from, before they were tested for 7-10 years. Nature is wonderful but flawed. Bedouins ate camel dung for stomach upsets, it works, but Pepto Bismol works well too and has a better after taste. The crisis for me was if I continued down this path with my friend's boys, their real father would lose his sons. I love their mother very much and always will, I have told that to them many times, and they want to be loved too. So the choice was to keep going and become their Dad or step back be a bore, be a guy no-one special who comes to see their Mom. If I were to lose my son to another man, it would be very hurtful, it would create deep resentment, friction. A son represents a man's dreams to try live their life in a more fulfilling or richer way, to not make the same mistakes, I couldn't deny that to the father of my friend's boys, even though I knew what she wanted was for me to be their father. I'm sorry it was not meant to hurt but a matter of respect and boundaries..
